Believe
by bjxmas
Summary: 5.18 Point of No Return tag  As we grow older it becomes difficult to just believe. It's not that we don't want to, but too much has happened that we simply can't. Dean used to believe. Sam still believes in him. Will Dean find faith in his brother again?


5.18 Point of No Return tag

"_As we grow older, it becomes difficult to just believe. It's not that we don't want to, but too much has happened that we simply can't." _- Unknown

Believe

I believed when Mom told me angels were watching over me.

I believed in Dad, that he was a superhero and nothing bad would ever happen to him or us.

I believed in my kid brother. That he was good. That it was my job to protect him. That any sacrifice I might make to take care of him was worth it…because _he_ was worth it.

I never really believed in myself. I'm not sure why, maybe because next to them I was nothing.

But Sammy believed in me and that gave me the strength to keep going, to keep fighting. I never wanted to let him down.

When Mom died, I lost faith in angels and God. There was nothing protecting her. There's just chaos and violence. And random, unpredictable evil that comes out of nowhere…and rips you to shreds.

I lost faith in a higher power, but I still needed to believe in something.

So I turned to what I knew, what I could see and feel, the only thing I had left that made me feel safe. I still had my dad, so I focused on him…and on Sammy. I concentrated on becoming the man I needed to be so Dad and Sammy would be proud of me.

I saw myself through their eyes. Their faith in me allowed me to look in the mirror and not be so afraid.

I always wanted to make my mom proud, to be the son she would have wanted me to be.

I wanted my dad to have faith in me…in my abilities, that I could get the job done.

I needed Sam's approval the most, that slight smile he got when he looked up to me. The look in his eyes that said he wanted to be just like his big brother. The look I imagine was in my eyes when I looked to Dad.

Believing is hard. There are so many forces at work trying to dissuade you. It's a constant struggle, holding on to faith when reality batters you with the awful truth.

Doubts creep in. Illusions die.

I guess that's where true faith comes from, the ability to move past hard facts and go with your gut. To _know_ even if you can't prove it.

I'd always needed proof before, irrefutable evidence, something I could see with my own two eyes.

I lived my life that way for a long time, only believing in what I could see, what I knew to be true.

I guess there comes a time in every man's life when he has to make a decision. He has to decide whether to go with his head or his heart. He has to choose just what it is he believes in.

I didn't so much choose what, but who. I chose to believe in Sam. I chose to believe in _us_.

The End

"_Faith is not belief without proof, but trust without reservation."_ - Unknown

bjxmas

August 2010

All standard disclaimers apply.

_I love that both Sam and Dean again found faith in each other, trusting the other to see them through. That was their greatest weapon after all. _

_Now I would like to commemorate that Supernatural has surpassed Buffy, the Vampire Slayer as the TV show with the most fanfiction written for it. Here at Fanfiction Buffy has 39,700 stories and has been going strong for seven years on the air and over thirteen years total. Supernatural has only had five years to catch up and now has over 40,000 stories. I knew it was inevitable, it was just a matter of when. With these compelling characters it should be no surprise that so many writers want to play with the boys. I have certainly done my part and Sam and Dean still intrigue me, still inspire me to write more. There is so much story left to tell and I cannot wait until Season Six starts to see where the boys go next. _

_I predict it will be a long time, if ever, before another TV show captures our imagination and passion and inspires this much creativity. We truly are the fortunate ones, lucky to be here enjoying every minute of it.  
_

_Thanks for reading, take care, B.J._


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